Monday, August 1, 2011
Starting Here...
A new day has arrived. Started at Starbucks on Tuesday...loving it! And hopefully something new and exciting will be on its way into my life very soon...I will keep you posted. Got a new computer and a new phone number. Life is looking up!
Monday, February 21, 2011
My Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canada
So many things have changed in my life these past couple of months... I've never been ashamed of my life or my choices and I have always been open about who I am. Guarded but open.
One of the first questions I get asked when people find out I am, in fact, gay is whether my family knows...primarily my parents. I am sure that on some level they have to know. I am not exactly the most masculine of men. Whether they have accepted it is another story. I, however, adamantly refuse to "come out" to them. Largely, on principle. My siblings didn't have to admit their heterosexuality so why should I have to state my preferences? I know it is splitting hairs but when I have someone special in my life that I want my parents to meet they will. A good friend of mine says that I live in a "glass closet" and that it isn't a huge surprise that I am gay. That may be so, but it is my life. Why should I allow anyone to tell me how to live it?
Would my family accept me? Yes. Undoubtedly. It may take some adjustments and definitely time but they would. I know because I have a gay cousin. And he is one of the reasons that I don't feel the need to come out to my family. At the risk of making my family sound closed minded or "hickish," I must say their notions of gay people are very limited. I speak here of my extended family not so much of my immediate family. They only know what they have seen on TV or have learned through my cousin. To me there is so much more to being gay than what they know. And my cousin represents everything about the gay culture that I find appalling...I DO NOT want to be lumped in with him. I am my own person.
"How long have you been gay?" Oy, that question frustrates me. I understand the underlying concept and context to be, "how long have you known" but still. I don't believe that anyone "becomes" gay. They simply realize who they truly are. We are created gay not made gay. For me, I didn't know who I was until I left college and moved back home. Having grown up in a small town where being gay was not something discussed and where you are taught that you grow up to marry a nice young lady and have children it came as a surprise to me that I was gay. Being gay was, and in a very large way, is still a foreign concept to many in our small town. I remember that the realization came to me while talking on the phone to my dearest, and probably closest friend. I was laying on the sofa at work chatting with him talking about life and love and I realized that I was in love with him. It took me a long time to admit it to myself and an even longer time to admit it to him. When I did finally admit it; we didn't speak for 5 months. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. It took his birthday party to bring us back together and even that day was a bit strained. That night was the first time I ever got drunk and I proceeded to tell him exactly what I thought of him in words that were not flattering or kind. Of course, I had to apologize profusely the next morning but they were words that needed saying.
I've had crushes since then but no real love interests. Until this year. In February of last year I met the new roomie in the Fresno house. The night we met we became instant friends. We talked about our lives, our dreams, our fears...we didn't hold anything back. It was intense. I was happy to have a new friend in my life. I would see him on the weekends and occasionally spend the week in Fresno. We would drink and hang out. He was admittedly "bi" and we would often flirt, as friends will do...nothing serious, just playing around. It wasn't until after camp when I moved in that I realized I was in love with him. He was so supportive, he would know exactly when I needed some extra motivation, he told me to stop wasting my time in Fresno, to get out and start performing, to stop playing supporting roles, to stop being comfortable. Everything story we shared, every life experience, I knew that he was who I wanted to share my life with. But I didn't want to risk our friendship. So, I hid my feelings. I hid my feelings and nothing happened. It was like I was in a sitcom and the writers knew that if the sexual tension ended so would the humor suddenly the viewers at home wouldn't be interested. He recently moved out and we shared an evening of fun and saying good bye. There were things said that I wish we never shared. Things that hurt my heart, that made me feel loved, that devastated me.
Here I am, almost two months since we said goodbye. And no contact... I hate him for that. We promised we would still be there for each other. I was depressed to be moving back to my life before Fresno. He was trying to finally move forward with his life. Maybe someday we will be there for each other again...maybe not. Will I be prepared for that? I don't know...from here I move forward. No more sliding back into my comfort zone.
So, there it is. The true life of Keven. Take it how you want. It is finally out there. No going back. Not that I would want to.
One of the first questions I get asked when people find out I am, in fact, gay is whether my family knows...primarily my parents. I am sure that on some level they have to know. I am not exactly the most masculine of men. Whether they have accepted it is another story. I, however, adamantly refuse to "come out" to them. Largely, on principle. My siblings didn't have to admit their heterosexuality so why should I have to state my preferences? I know it is splitting hairs but when I have someone special in my life that I want my parents to meet they will. A good friend of mine says that I live in a "glass closet" and that it isn't a huge surprise that I am gay. That may be so, but it is my life. Why should I allow anyone to tell me how to live it?
Would my family accept me? Yes. Undoubtedly. It may take some adjustments and definitely time but they would. I know because I have a gay cousin. And he is one of the reasons that I don't feel the need to come out to my family. At the risk of making my family sound closed minded or "hickish," I must say their notions of gay people are very limited. I speak here of my extended family not so much of my immediate family. They only know what they have seen on TV or have learned through my cousin. To me there is so much more to being gay than what they know. And my cousin represents everything about the gay culture that I find appalling...I DO NOT want to be lumped in with him. I am my own person.
"How long have you been gay?" Oy, that question frustrates me. I understand the underlying concept and context to be, "how long have you known" but still. I don't believe that anyone "becomes" gay. They simply realize who they truly are. We are created gay not made gay. For me, I didn't know who I was until I left college and moved back home. Having grown up in a small town where being gay was not something discussed and where you are taught that you grow up to marry a nice young lady and have children it came as a surprise to me that I was gay. Being gay was, and in a very large way, is still a foreign concept to many in our small town. I remember that the realization came to me while talking on the phone to my dearest, and probably closest friend. I was laying on the sofa at work chatting with him talking about life and love and I realized that I was in love with him. It took me a long time to admit it to myself and an even longer time to admit it to him. When I did finally admit it; we didn't speak for 5 months. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. It took his birthday party to bring us back together and even that day was a bit strained. That night was the first time I ever got drunk and I proceeded to tell him exactly what I thought of him in words that were not flattering or kind. Of course, I had to apologize profusely the next morning but they were words that needed saying.
I've had crushes since then but no real love interests. Until this year. In February of last year I met the new roomie in the Fresno house. The night we met we became instant friends. We talked about our lives, our dreams, our fears...we didn't hold anything back. It was intense. I was happy to have a new friend in my life. I would see him on the weekends and occasionally spend the week in Fresno. We would drink and hang out. He was admittedly "bi" and we would often flirt, as friends will do...nothing serious, just playing around. It wasn't until after camp when I moved in that I realized I was in love with him. He was so supportive, he would know exactly when I needed some extra motivation, he told me to stop wasting my time in Fresno, to get out and start performing, to stop playing supporting roles, to stop being comfortable. Everything story we shared, every life experience, I knew that he was who I wanted to share my life with. But I didn't want to risk our friendship. So, I hid my feelings. I hid my feelings and nothing happened. It was like I was in a sitcom and the writers knew that if the sexual tension ended so would the humor suddenly the viewers at home wouldn't be interested. He recently moved out and we shared an evening of fun and saying good bye. There were things said that I wish we never shared. Things that hurt my heart, that made me feel loved, that devastated me.
Here I am, almost two months since we said goodbye. And no contact... I hate him for that. We promised we would still be there for each other. I was depressed to be moving back to my life before Fresno. He was trying to finally move forward with his life. Maybe someday we will be there for each other again...maybe not. Will I be prepared for that? I don't know...from here I move forward. No more sliding back into my comfort zone.
So, there it is. The true life of Keven. Take it how you want. It is finally out there. No going back. Not that I would want to.
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