Overheard at Church... Part 1

For those readers that don't know, I work as a church secretary... while I do not always agree with what churches teach or believe, it pays my bills. Mostly. Until recently I was "only" the secretary working in the office; creating bulletins, powerpoints, newsletters, and the like... Now, however, they have me working as a Sunday morning worship tech. I get to run those fantastic ppts that I create...as such, I am "chained" to a desk for 2 hours. I have since realized that a church service is very much like a theatrical production... there are scripts to be followed, blocking to be done, sound and tech cues. And yet, I am still bored. Because there is a script to follow by the time the sermon actually occurs I have read it, twice! So, in an effort to further my scarf business (more on that later) and to make sure that I don't fall asleep I take my yarn and crochet hook to church and whip out a scarf per service.

Anyway, working sunday mornings offers opportunities to overhear many brilliant stories and funny anecdotes.

This week's comes from my good friend, Candace. This past Sunday was Communion by intinction. That is where you take the bread and dip it in the wine, then eat. Well...she goes and takes Communion and comes back to our seating area and states:

"Usually, Jesus sticks to the roof of my mouth. But I took the crust today!"

What!?!?! Besides being sacrelicious (yes, sacrelicious*) it almost made me burst out laughing during one of the more solemn moments of the church service. But that is why I love Candace. I get a good 3-8 laughs from her every Sunday. And I, in turn, make her laugh during the sermon. The comment above took the cake for this week but we both had some pretty good one-liners from Sunday.

"Lettuce pray!"
"The Holy Trinity: Iceberg, Arugula, and Spinach"
"What, no dressing!?!?"

"There may not be meat, but we had salad, bread, and wine... not too bad!"
"Are we going to hell? At least there will be meat there. MMMM, barbeque!"

Moral of the story? Just because you don't have moral or religious obligations to go to church doesn't mean that it can't be fun...or at the very least, funny!! Stay tuned for more outrageous hilarity from Sunday Morning.

*sacrelicious ~ when something sacreligious is so hilarious and delicious you cannot pass it up. (i.e. the dancing with crucified Jesus scene from Drop Dead Gorgeous)

How to Solve the World's Problems

Everyone seems to think that solving problems is so hard. And I admit that sometimes it can be extremely difficult, but my dear friend, Ms. Darbus (name has been changed to protect her real identity) and I have come up with a method! It is called the "Darbus & Lazar Show", of course substituting our real names for our pseudo-names, which will hopefully go into production this summer or coming fall. It will be similar to "The View" or "Oprah" but much more fun. A place for the community to express their thoughts, feelings, frustrations. And a place to have our own news reports. Interview local celebrities (or persons of interest) and review everything local. It all stemmed from our monthly coffee dates, during which we discuss theater, art, education, and everything else.

We have discovered that given a cup of coffee (or other appropriate delicious beverage served up at the S'bucks) and a few hours to hash them over we could create a world that everyone could be happy with! Can you imagine having that kind of power?!?!?! I might go a bit crazy with it.

It is so much fun to have someone to talk to about our problems and be able to fix them, even if it is just inside our little world. Everybody has at least one group of friends that you do this with... I like to call them "If we ruled the world..." clubs. The only problem with them is that they don't do anything. A solution is only good if you are willing to go out and impart your wisdom unto the world. So go out there and make your ideas heard! That includes me!

Do you have a "If I ruled the world..." club? Join one and make a difference. But don't just sit there complaining about the way it could have been, or should be... go do it! Write a letter, send an email, record a viral video, do a project, organize an event, DO SOMETHING!

See it isn't that hard to solve all the problems, now is it? You may all thank me now.