It has been five months since my last post...oy! I started a new chapter in life today, I moved out! For the first time in my life I will be living alone. No roomies, no parents, nobody.
Today was the first day of moving. Tasks included cleaning the apartment and moving all of my furniture and most of my boxes to the house. I never would have gotten as much done without the awesome help of my best friends and my parents. I even found time to go and buy a couch; now guests won't have to sit on the floor!
My besties came over this evening and toasted me and the place. I look forward to the numerous cocktail and dinner parties that I will be hosting!
Will be unpacking and finishing the move tomorrow...hopefully.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, August 1, 2011
Starting Here...
A new day has arrived. Started at Starbucks on Tuesday...loving it! And hopefully something new and exciting will be on its way into my life very soon...I will keep you posted. Got a new computer and a new phone number. Life is looking up!
Monday, February 21, 2011
My Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canada
So many things have changed in my life these past couple of months... I've never been ashamed of my life or my choices and I have always been open about who I am. Guarded but open.
One of the first questions I get asked when people find out I am, in fact, gay is whether my family knows...primarily my parents. I am sure that on some level they have to know. I am not exactly the most masculine of men. Whether they have accepted it is another story. I, however, adamantly refuse to "come out" to them. Largely, on principle. My siblings didn't have to admit their heterosexuality so why should I have to state my preferences? I know it is splitting hairs but when I have someone special in my life that I want my parents to meet they will. A good friend of mine says that I live in a "glass closet" and that it isn't a huge surprise that I am gay. That may be so, but it is my life. Why should I allow anyone to tell me how to live it?
Would my family accept me? Yes. Undoubtedly. It may take some adjustments and definitely time but they would. I know because I have a gay cousin. And he is one of the reasons that I don't feel the need to come out to my family. At the risk of making my family sound closed minded or "hickish," I must say their notions of gay people are very limited. I speak here of my extended family not so much of my immediate family. They only know what they have seen on TV or have learned through my cousin. To me there is so much more to being gay than what they know. And my cousin represents everything about the gay culture that I find appalling...I DO NOT want to be lumped in with him. I am my own person.
"How long have you been gay?" Oy, that question frustrates me. I understand the underlying concept and context to be, "how long have you known" but still. I don't believe that anyone "becomes" gay. They simply realize who they truly are. We are created gay not made gay. For me, I didn't know who I was until I left college and moved back home. Having grown up in a small town where being gay was not something discussed and where you are taught that you grow up to marry a nice young lady and have children it came as a surprise to me that I was gay. Being gay was, and in a very large way, is still a foreign concept to many in our small town. I remember that the realization came to me while talking on the phone to my dearest, and probably closest friend. I was laying on the sofa at work chatting with him talking about life and love and I realized that I was in love with him. It took me a long time to admit it to myself and an even longer time to admit it to him. When I did finally admit it; we didn't speak for 5 months. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. It took his birthday party to bring us back together and even that day was a bit strained. That night was the first time I ever got drunk and I proceeded to tell him exactly what I thought of him in words that were not flattering or kind. Of course, I had to apologize profusely the next morning but they were words that needed saying.
I've had crushes since then but no real love interests. Until this year. In February of last year I met the new roomie in the Fresno house. The night we met we became instant friends. We talked about our lives, our dreams, our fears...we didn't hold anything back. It was intense. I was happy to have a new friend in my life. I would see him on the weekends and occasionally spend the week in Fresno. We would drink and hang out. He was admittedly "bi" and we would often flirt, as friends will do...nothing serious, just playing around. It wasn't until after camp when I moved in that I realized I was in love with him. He was so supportive, he would know exactly when I needed some extra motivation, he told me to stop wasting my time in Fresno, to get out and start performing, to stop playing supporting roles, to stop being comfortable. Everything story we shared, every life experience, I knew that he was who I wanted to share my life with. But I didn't want to risk our friendship. So, I hid my feelings. I hid my feelings and nothing happened. It was like I was in a sitcom and the writers knew that if the sexual tension ended so would the humor suddenly the viewers at home wouldn't be interested. He recently moved out and we shared an evening of fun and saying good bye. There were things said that I wish we never shared. Things that hurt my heart, that made me feel loved, that devastated me.
Here I am, almost two months since we said goodbye. And no contact... I hate him for that. We promised we would still be there for each other. I was depressed to be moving back to my life before Fresno. He was trying to finally move forward with his life. Maybe someday we will be there for each other again...maybe not. Will I be prepared for that? I don't know...from here I move forward. No more sliding back into my comfort zone.
So, there it is. The true life of Keven. Take it how you want. It is finally out there. No going back. Not that I would want to.
One of the first questions I get asked when people find out I am, in fact, gay is whether my family knows...primarily my parents. I am sure that on some level they have to know. I am not exactly the most masculine of men. Whether they have accepted it is another story. I, however, adamantly refuse to "come out" to them. Largely, on principle. My siblings didn't have to admit their heterosexuality so why should I have to state my preferences? I know it is splitting hairs but when I have someone special in my life that I want my parents to meet they will. A good friend of mine says that I live in a "glass closet" and that it isn't a huge surprise that I am gay. That may be so, but it is my life. Why should I allow anyone to tell me how to live it?
Would my family accept me? Yes. Undoubtedly. It may take some adjustments and definitely time but they would. I know because I have a gay cousin. And he is one of the reasons that I don't feel the need to come out to my family. At the risk of making my family sound closed minded or "hickish," I must say their notions of gay people are very limited. I speak here of my extended family not so much of my immediate family. They only know what they have seen on TV or have learned through my cousin. To me there is so much more to being gay than what they know. And my cousin represents everything about the gay culture that I find appalling...I DO NOT want to be lumped in with him. I am my own person.
"How long have you been gay?" Oy, that question frustrates me. I understand the underlying concept and context to be, "how long have you known" but still. I don't believe that anyone "becomes" gay. They simply realize who they truly are. We are created gay not made gay. For me, I didn't know who I was until I left college and moved back home. Having grown up in a small town where being gay was not something discussed and where you are taught that you grow up to marry a nice young lady and have children it came as a surprise to me that I was gay. Being gay was, and in a very large way, is still a foreign concept to many in our small town. I remember that the realization came to me while talking on the phone to my dearest, and probably closest friend. I was laying on the sofa at work chatting with him talking about life and love and I realized that I was in love with him. It took me a long time to admit it to myself and an even longer time to admit it to him. When I did finally admit it; we didn't speak for 5 months. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. It took his birthday party to bring us back together and even that day was a bit strained. That night was the first time I ever got drunk and I proceeded to tell him exactly what I thought of him in words that were not flattering or kind. Of course, I had to apologize profusely the next morning but they were words that needed saying.
I've had crushes since then but no real love interests. Until this year. In February of last year I met the new roomie in the Fresno house. The night we met we became instant friends. We talked about our lives, our dreams, our fears...we didn't hold anything back. It was intense. I was happy to have a new friend in my life. I would see him on the weekends and occasionally spend the week in Fresno. We would drink and hang out. He was admittedly "bi" and we would often flirt, as friends will do...nothing serious, just playing around. It wasn't until after camp when I moved in that I realized I was in love with him. He was so supportive, he would know exactly when I needed some extra motivation, he told me to stop wasting my time in Fresno, to get out and start performing, to stop playing supporting roles, to stop being comfortable. Everything story we shared, every life experience, I knew that he was who I wanted to share my life with. But I didn't want to risk our friendship. So, I hid my feelings. I hid my feelings and nothing happened. It was like I was in a sitcom and the writers knew that if the sexual tension ended so would the humor suddenly the viewers at home wouldn't be interested. He recently moved out and we shared an evening of fun and saying good bye. There were things said that I wish we never shared. Things that hurt my heart, that made me feel loved, that devastated me.
Here I am, almost two months since we said goodbye. And no contact... I hate him for that. We promised we would still be there for each other. I was depressed to be moving back to my life before Fresno. He was trying to finally move forward with his life. Maybe someday we will be there for each other again...maybe not. Will I be prepared for that? I don't know...from here I move forward. No more sliding back into my comfort zone.
So, there it is. The true life of Keven. Take it how you want. It is finally out there. No going back. Not that I would want to.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Everything's Coming Up Roses...or is it?
Today's blog comes from my hometown...I sit in our local Starbucks listening to the L.A.M.C. (Ladies After Mass Club) discuss their various home hunting problems, both past and present. And by listening, I mean that I am sitting here with my coffee eaves dropping. I can't help it, they speak loudly. I drove into town last night to get work done this morning before I head back for rehearsal tonight.
Birdie closed yesterday. I never went on for the lead but it was great fun doing the show and making new friends...can't believe that 9 weeks went so quickly. With the closing of Birdie, I ended my first and last show as a member of the Jr. Company, it was such a great experience. This is a company of talented young performers ranging from age 6 to 16, each with burgeoning talents and a dedication to them! I learned so much about myself as a performer. I was constantly in awe, and equally mortified, by exactly how talented they are...some of these kids can dance circles around me! However, I take solace in the fact that I can sing circles around them...for now.
Update: L.A.M.C. is now discussing Wealthy Widowers. "Is there a website? wwww.wealthywidowers.com" Note: [I am not kidding about the extra "w"]
I got to vocal coach the Jr. Company pre-show that will open on Thursday. Which means I will be in Tech rehearsals this week. We have so many new members of the company that the work ethic isn't exactly what we are used to...they rehearse for six Saturdays and then open after three days of Tech rehearsals. The amount of material they learn is mind boggling. They learn ten to twelve songs with harmony parts and choreography! Which makes this program an excellent training for the main stage company.
I also have two other events this week...a benefit concert at imaginarium and my sister's baby shower. Technically the benefit concert is an event rental so I just have to be in the building and run our lighting system. The baby shower, which is also at imaginarium, is more hands on for me since mother is hosting.
In the next couple of weeks I will begin packing for my move back to my parent's house...not thrilled about that prospect. Hopefully something will pan out and I find a job.
Note: I really do plan on keeping up with the blog. I just find myself super busy crazy all the time...or have nothing pertinent to write.
Birdie closed yesterday. I never went on for the lead but it was great fun doing the show and making new friends...can't believe that 9 weeks went so quickly. With the closing of Birdie, I ended my first and last show as a member of the Jr. Company, it was such a great experience. This is a company of talented young performers ranging from age 6 to 16, each with burgeoning talents and a dedication to them! I learned so much about myself as a performer. I was constantly in awe, and equally mortified, by exactly how talented they are...some of these kids can dance circles around me! However, I take solace in the fact that I can sing circles around them...for now.
Update: L.A.M.C. is now discussing Wealthy Widowers. "Is there a website? wwww.wealthywidowers.com" Note: [I am not kidding about the extra "w"]
I got to vocal coach the Jr. Company pre-show that will open on Thursday. Which means I will be in Tech rehearsals this week. We have so many new members of the company that the work ethic isn't exactly what we are used to...they rehearse for six Saturdays and then open after three days of Tech rehearsals. The amount of material they learn is mind boggling. They learn ten to twelve songs with harmony parts and choreography! Which makes this program an excellent training for the main stage company.
I also have two other events this week...a benefit concert at imaginarium and my sister's baby shower. Technically the benefit concert is an event rental so I just have to be in the building and run our lighting system. The baby shower, which is also at imaginarium, is more hands on for me since mother is hosting.
In the next couple of weeks I will begin packing for my move back to my parent's house...not thrilled about that prospect. Hopefully something will pan out and I find a job.
Note: I really do plan on keeping up with the blog. I just find myself super busy crazy all the time...or have nothing pertinent to write.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Back to the job hunt...
Just found out that I didn't get that job at the library. I will be out looking for jobs again...yay, me! I think I am going to go bake a cake.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Shhhh...it's dark in here.
I am sitting in my living room in near darkness. I went upstairs for a small nap after rehearsal and when I came downstairs my roommate had decided to nap on the sofa...he seems to be thoroughly enjoying his nap and I don't want to disturb him so I have left the lights off and just turned the dimmer on very low.
This morning was Jr Company rehearsal...and I was tired. I enjoy being in the company but I know that doing both Jrs and Birdie each night is going to be rough, especially if I ever go on for Albert! I am not a dancer and Jr Company is 12 minutes of singing and dancing. Doesn't sound too hard until you have to do it. Right now what is kicking my butt are the rehearsals. We start at 9 and work until lunch break at 12 then back at 1 to 3. Luckily, I am not in all of the numbers so I get some backstage time which translates to break time during rehearsals. I am a "moves well" actor and sometimes feel very intimidated by the youngsters in the Jr company...they can really dance! Then I sit back and enjoy the fact that I don't have to do the crazy tap number that the choreographer has in the show.
I can't believe that Birdie opens in less than 2 weeks. Our theater does a 24 hour turnaround; next Sunday after the matinee of Dreamgirls we will strike that set and move in the Birdie set. Monday will be our first day of tech rehearsals and then we open that Thursday. I still feel that there is so much more work to do. Between Jrs and Birdie I don't know if I am going to be ready...
I started this post 8 hours ago...didn't really take it where I wanted but it went...
This morning was Jr Company rehearsal...and I was tired. I enjoy being in the company but I know that doing both Jrs and Birdie each night is going to be rough, especially if I ever go on for Albert! I am not a dancer and Jr Company is 12 minutes of singing and dancing. Doesn't sound too hard until you have to do it. Right now what is kicking my butt are the rehearsals. We start at 9 and work until lunch break at 12 then back at 1 to 3. Luckily, I am not in all of the numbers so I get some backstage time which translates to break time during rehearsals. I am a "moves well" actor and sometimes feel very intimidated by the youngsters in the Jr company...they can really dance! Then I sit back and enjoy the fact that I don't have to do the crazy tap number that the choreographer has in the show.
I can't believe that Birdie opens in less than 2 weeks. Our theater does a 24 hour turnaround; next Sunday after the matinee of Dreamgirls we will strike that set and move in the Birdie set. Monday will be our first day of tech rehearsals and then we open that Thursday. I still feel that there is so much more work to do. Between Jrs and Birdie I don't know if I am going to be ready...
I started this post 8 hours ago...didn't really take it where I wanted but it went...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
One Enchanted Evening
Tonight's posting is not about theater...unless you count the humming.
So tonight, one of the roomies and I headed out of the house and down to the Tower District to have some fun. We had a quick bite at Million Elephant and then headed over to Veni Vedi Vici. It was packed. It got me thinking whether or not relationships still begin at bars...in today's age of twitter, facebook, and the plethora of dating sites out there do first connections still take place at a bar? We basically just stood in the crowded patio area with our drinks, he had a beer while I drank water (someone has to be the DD) making very small talk, just chilling. And I couldn't stop humming "One Enchanted Evening".
Perhaps because I just watched South Pacific, well the first part of it, or because we had been discussing dating and relationships earlier but I couldn't help but think that at this moment someone could be meeting their soul mate, or conversely not meeting them because we no longer meet people in organic methods. We hide behind our friend lists and followers and whatever online identities we have created for ourselves and allow our social interactions to be dictated and directed by technology. Not that I ever did, but what happened to starting a conversation at a bar that could lead to friendship and then eventually something more? Who's to say that by only speaking to our predetermined friends we aren't neglecting a new relationship? I am not trying to be deep...just thoughts that occurred while watching a friend drink a beer.
To the surprised faces out there, yes, I was at a bar. In fact, we were at two bars today. And last week we were at three. I am moving out of my comfort zone, trying new things, heading forward. Does that mean we met anyone at the bar? No. Did we go with the intention of meeting someone? The roomie did, me not so much. Did I have fun? While not as fun as last weeks excursion, this week was interesting...I love hearing what people talk about at bars. The woman next to me was adamantly informing her date that while robbing a bank sounds like a good idea, it isn't as lucrative as one might think. The gentleman to my left was telling his friends he was James Dean reincarnate. Interesting stuff.
Every time I start to write what I think will be an awesome blog it starts to go "blah" on me...I need to find some good things to write about. My life, at the moment, isn't very eventful so it takes a while to get a good blog post.
So tonight, one of the roomies and I headed out of the house and down to the Tower District to have some fun. We had a quick bite at Million Elephant and then headed over to Veni Vedi Vici. It was packed. It got me thinking whether or not relationships still begin at bars...in today's age of twitter, facebook, and the plethora of dating sites out there do first connections still take place at a bar? We basically just stood in the crowded patio area with our drinks, he had a beer while I drank water (someone has to be the DD) making very small talk, just chilling. And I couldn't stop humming "One Enchanted Evening".
Perhaps because I just watched South Pacific, well the first part of it, or because we had been discussing dating and relationships earlier but I couldn't help but think that at this moment someone could be meeting their soul mate, or conversely not meeting them because we no longer meet people in organic methods. We hide behind our friend lists and followers and whatever online identities we have created for ourselves and allow our social interactions to be dictated and directed by technology. Not that I ever did, but what happened to starting a conversation at a bar that could lead to friendship and then eventually something more? Who's to say that by only speaking to our predetermined friends we aren't neglecting a new relationship? I am not trying to be deep...just thoughts that occurred while watching a friend drink a beer.
To the surprised faces out there, yes, I was at a bar. In fact, we were at two bars today. And last week we were at three. I am moving out of my comfort zone, trying new things, heading forward. Does that mean we met anyone at the bar? No. Did we go with the intention of meeting someone? The roomie did, me not so much. Did I have fun? While not as fun as last weeks excursion, this week was interesting...I love hearing what people talk about at bars. The woman next to me was adamantly informing her date that while robbing a bank sounds like a good idea, it isn't as lucrative as one might think. The gentleman to my left was telling his friends he was James Dean reincarnate. Interesting stuff.
Every time I start to write what I think will be an awesome blog it starts to go "blah" on me...I need to find some good things to write about. My life, at the moment, isn't very eventful so it takes a while to get a good blog post.
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